Living TV

As I was doing a bit of work this evening, I was vaguely aware of my girlfriend behind me making little ohhs and ahhhs. Tiny little nurturing sounds, as if she was trying to breathe life into a little sick rabbit that she had just discovered in the folds of her dressing-gown. Perplexed, I spun around in my Ikea "Tractor" office chair (only £16, but hurts the nuts after a while) to discover her watching "Birth-day Stories" on Living TV. Apparently she had just watched an episode of Baby Hospital and was looking forward to seeing a load of real-life in-colour, perineum wrenching deliveries.

Now, she is six moths pregnant, and really pregnant at that. I mean her frame (that is usually a svelte size 8) is absolutely stuffed chock full of baba. Quite how the she will find room for the next three months worth is a puzzle to us both. Her job just so happens to be teaching parenting skills and working with children and all our available hours that would otherwise be spent socialising or relaxing are spent playing with, caring for and cleaning up after our one-year old. So, why when the time comes to put our feet up do we spend it looking at a load of howling babies?

(they are cute though) ohhh.

The other thing about Living that concerns me is that its schedule seems to be aimed at three distinct target groups.

1) The Broody
2) Mumbo-jumbo loving believers in Psychic Phenomenon
3) The Gays

At a certain point in the evening it becomes totally, bum-touchingly gay.
Here is there schedule from Thursday:
5.00 Crossing Over with John Edwards (the man with the world speed record for bullshit)
5.30 The Other Side with a sad, camp Blackpool-style version of a John Edwards
6.00 Will and Grace
6.30 Will and Grace
7.00 Will and Grace
7.30 Will and Grace
8.00 Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
9.00 Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
10.00 Up The Bum with Derek and Jeff*

When do we get the TV that caters for fat beer swilling, boob-oggling, slipper** wearing sad-sacks?

I mean, apart from the all the Discovery Channels, The History Channel, Men and Motors, Bravo, Sky Sports 1, 2 & 3 and those strange late night call up thing where girls shake there arses like parksonian trifles, for hours on end.

I'm just asking?


*Schedule Totally Made Up and Not True
** My slippers are an Ugg boot style sheepskin affair. Actually, really quite camp.