Sizzle

Christ Riding a Monkey! It's Fucking Hot!

I'll paint the image for you - a fat boy sitting under perpetual fans, bleeding lymphatic juice from every orifice. Unable to sleep, even a coma-inducing fiddle seems like too much effort. Cocoa is too hot and the leather couch draws a sticky puddle of ooze that dampens his already moist pants and has The Lady standing by with a Detol-soaked sponge.

I have commandeered all the ice-pops from the freezer and gaffa-taped them to my hairy chest. They melted three hours ago, but I am now too frightened to remove them.

I pulled a pube out once and it hurt.

The only thing I can think of doing to pass the time is to revive the old weblog.

I didn't post for ages because The Lady has been on maternity leave for a year. But since I last did, I've left my job at the theatre, resigned as a director of the old film company and set up an amazing, new, witty little company called "Enormous". We are brilliant - using film as a fun, creative tool rather than as a "perfect medium" we do viral campaigns, educational projects, low-budget docs and hardcore terrapin-porn.*

In a few weeks though, I'll have to take over the old house-husband duties again. I do this with a little bit of trepidation.

I’ve kind of got used to being only my own boss.

When I say my own boss – I mean of course being at the constant beck and call of the Lady.

Soon, she will go back to work and I’ll have no one to show me how to live.

She really is bloody brilliant actually, she has an infinite supply of energy and a very limited puddle of patience. This has the effect of putting a firecracker up the arse of everyone who comes into contact with her.

She has organised the babies into a routine that’s so regular they actually float to bed on a magic rug every night at precisely 6.45pm; She’s structured and managed the Enormous marketing campaign so we now actually work on a regular basis; She’s persuaded my incredibly creative yet somewhat laisser-faire business partner to spring into furious action and do stuff; Shes cooked home-made organic meals every day for the babies; Got me to give up booze and to live healthily and has discovered a new method of turning findus crispy pancakes into a form of pure copper sulphite.**

Me, well I’m still very good at lounging. I also do a great line of staring agog, into space. I’m good at agog. I tend to trance at the slightest thing. Just seeing a bright colour can wipe my mind and leave me frozen in the same position for up to a month.*** My energy isn’t to good either. I tend to get tired just being in the company of The Lady. It starts with a sore throat and a bit of an itchy eye. The next moment I am laid flat out in front of daytime telly, with a fuzzy mind.

She says I’m lazy.

I protest. “It’s the heat,” I say. “Its too hot.”

“Get out of the freezer,” she replies “You’ll defrost the organic baby food”

Its too late though, some of the ice-pops have now burst . They have refrozen and welded me to the sides.

Christ on a mountain gorilla! It really is cold in here. Still, I don’t think I could bear to detach the gaffa-tape.

Help! Lady! Help!

It may be a while before I blog again.




* The porn bit is not true at all. I did once lightly spank a tortoise though. It’s okay – I shot it first (through the shell), so it didn’t feel a thing.

** They actually taste a lot better that way.

***I’m very much like an old P.C. while she is like a new Mac.****

**** By that I mean computers – not ancient policemen and shiny overcoats.