The Ministry

I went on a brief shopping trip today. I had set out to obtain some electricity and gas prepayment cards.* I actually came back with with two paperbacks, a Hagendaaz ice lolly, a coconut smoothie and a meat and potato pastie. No cards though.**

When I returned I noticed they had been.

A single, small purple glove had been posted through the letterbox.

That is how I know I had received a visit from THE MINISTRY.

The Ministry of Strange Things was a cold-war initiative set up to bewilder, confuse and befuddle the general populous so much that they were unable to understand what was really going on. By the time the Soviet Union was finally dismantled The Ministry had done such a good job, that even the politicians had gone a bit loopy and were incapable of getting things together enough to close the department down. This is how we have ended up siding with the United State of Confusion to invade Iraq so we can recover imaginary weapons that they sold to them. I can think of no other explanation for our country's odd behaviour. But then again I am a bit befuddled.

The Ministry's main weapons are shoes and gloves. Here is an excerpt from their top secret manual (that one of their agents accidentally left in the gentlemen's restroom*** of my local boozer)
"One glove to be left on every 1007th railing of each provincial town. This to be doubled in times of hose-pipe bans.
One shoe to be discarded at exactly every 2003yrds on each 'A' road. Never discard shoes in pairs unless they are to be suspended from a lamppost or telephone wire.****"

The Ministry is also responsible for discarded pornography in railway sidings and hedgerows, the disappearance of white dog-poo, one-way systems that send you back to where you came from, that wonderful curry house that you go to one night when drunk but can never find again and the longevity of Cliff Richard's music career. They also, I believe, are responsible for filling babies up with far more snot and poo than the actual volume of their little bodies would otherwise allow - therefore making stay at home parents even more bewildered, muddled and literally wiped out than they should be.

So now you have an excuse. If your boss blames you for not being on the ball, blame The Ministry. If your partner accuses you of never listening, blame The Ministry. If your psychiatrist accuses you of having paranoid delusions.... Actually, best not mention anything about secret government departments. Trust me, its not worth the arguments and you get home sooner.

They said they might let me out tomorrow.

Nannoo, Nannoo.

Over and out.


* The most impractical things on earth. They are only given to a) the financially irresponsible, b) the disorganised and c) the poor. All of these people are not exactly qualified to operate the things, as they depend on 1) Good budgeting 2) Pre-planning and failing that, 3) A constant supply of ready cash. We inherited the meters from the last person who lived in the house. He was evicted. Must have failed on all three counts.

** This isn't bad for me, because I didn't lose any money or misplace the baby, plus I returned home on the same day. (I am easily bewildered.)

*** I've never understood the word restroom. Who the hell goes off for a little rest, a nice lie down say, in three inches of stale piss?

**** My girlfriend has asked me to mention a tree in our local park that has at least twelve pairs of shoes hanging from it. Surely the work of the ministry.